is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
