How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
