Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
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I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think my moral compass just broke
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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