yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
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I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH