When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
