i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
