life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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