I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
