He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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