Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
