U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
