My underwear smells like fireworks.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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