i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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