I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
