if you like me you must not know who I am
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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