so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
