Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
