i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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