my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i think i have two assholes
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
