Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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