I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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