Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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