Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
