I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
