Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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