that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
