The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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