Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
