Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
