You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
