this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
