we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Say something about gay babies.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
