Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
