After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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