Define "chronic" masturbator.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i now understand why vodka
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
