Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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