i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
