I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
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he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
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He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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