I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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