Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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