my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
