mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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