i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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