Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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