i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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