I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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