remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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