I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
