Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She's JV to your varsity
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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