It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
