Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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