i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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