I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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