I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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