ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
