not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
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I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
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I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.