I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
