apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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