PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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